Things Overheard in the Hallway 2

"I'm not gonna go sit in that room, it's full of old women", Verna, age 92.
Verna and I were in therapy together (Verna calls it gym) and developed a friendship. After we both "graduated"/got booted out of therapy, they tried to get Verna to take part in the Walk to Dine program (some of the aides call it the Drag to Dine program). Verna objected to being in the company of old women, even though physically she was one of the oldest in the room. Mentally, she is around 35.

Are You My Henry? A Love Story

It starts every day at 7am... the little cheep from the room on my left ... "Help Me." "Help Me" Pause for breath. "Help Me." "Help Me." "Help Me." Pause for breath. Repeat. It's not a cry... nor is it a scream... there is no panic or pain. It's just a statement, repeated over and over. And many people do try to help. Nurses, aides, even people visiting other residents are drawn to the chirps and stop by to ask what she needs. They are most often greeted with a startled silent glare... although sometimes she does blurt out "Get me out of here." before returning to the familiar "Help Me" cadence. Then her call blurs into the soundtrack of the beeps and burps of the hallway... only to become a solo now and again at the rare brief lulls.
Her name is Anne and around 2pm she ventures into the hallway, still sounding for all the world like a small bird. "Help me" Help Me." etc. Then around 3pm it happens... she starts saying "Henry." Henry" Pause for breath. "Henry." "Henry. "Henry." Pause for breath. Repeat. The first time it happened I thought I was hearing things. Had she been saying Henry all day? Was she really saying Help Me now? But the nurses and aides start saying 'Yes. Henry's coming." as they passed by her wheelchair, keeping its sentry in the hallway. I often heard them mutter under their breath "Thank god" and "He can't get here soon enough." as they retreat, so I am not the only one who noticed the change in dialogue. Then at 4 o'clock on the dot, a bent figure comes shuffling down the passageway. He stops in front of her wheelchair and stands there until she slowly looks up. "Are you my Henry?" she asks. He nods, leans down for a brief kiss and then rolls her into her room. There they sit, sometimes holding hands as they watch TV. He helps feed her dinner and assists as the aides dress her for bed. Around 8, he leaves... only to return at 4 the next day, regular as clockwork.
How long where they married? I wondered. "They are not married", I am told by the other residents, (The staff being gagged by HIPAA laws). Why does he only come at 4? He's in his 90s... he couldn't (or shouldn't) be driving. How did they meet? How long has this been going on? No one can tell me. It's just a sweet snippet of romance in the midst of all this senility and sickness. It is clear that she lives only for him. I worry what will happen on the day that he does not come shuffling down the hallway at 4 o'clock. How long will she keep her hallway vigil waiting for him?
I hope I am somewhere else when that sad day occurs.

10 Things You Desperately Need At The Nursing Home That You Didn't Know You Needed

You may be told some of these things are forbidden. That's why you have a lockable drawer.

10- Your favorite over-the-counter headache/cold medication- They never have the stuff that you know works.
9- Eyebrow Tweezers- Hair will begin to grow in the most unlikely places.
8- Real Kleenex (or Puffs or Scotties)... any soft tissue. The stuff they give you will scrape the quills off a porcupine.
7- Small Mirror- No one will tell you how you really look.
6- Ear plugs and or ear phones- You can not imagine how noisy it is, every hour of the day and night. Wireless TV earphones are the best!
5- Scissors and Scotch tape
4- Small packets of mayo, mustard, ketchup, salt, pepper and tartar, taco and soy sauces. The food is incredibly bland, so anything you can add will help. You can also bring your favorite salad dressing. If you like real caffeinated coffee, you better bring in instant because all you will get inside is a weak unleaded "brown water".
3- Ziplock bags- handy for everything from takeout left-overs to a shower carryall.
2-Your laptop/cell phone/I-Phone... whatever you need to communicate with the world.
1- Your sense of humor... and chocolate (or Twizzlers).

Not Your Grandmother's Nursing Home

My only experience with nursing homes before now is the one my poor aunt Kelly was dumped in by my nasty cousin David. It was awful... dirty, crowded and smelled like piss. The facility where I am is not like that. In fact the first thing my little sister told me about the place was that it didn't stink at all. And as you can tell from an earlier post there is a lot of pee around so you can imagine how much they clean. This is what is called a skilled care facility... which means there is at least one nurse on each wing and a doctor either roaming the halls or on call if the need should arise. It's is either a nursing home that wants to be a rehabilitation facility or a rehabilitation facility where 90% of its therapy patients sleep through their sessions. Trying to be both leads to the interesting blend of people who find themselves living together.
First you have people you would expect to find in a nursing home... the Grousing Grannies (sometimes referred to as the Hall Crawlers). They are long-term residents who range in age from 70 to 100+ who can normally be found in the hallways at 6AM, in the TV room during Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune and in bed by 6PM. They spend most of their days talking out loud to themselves about past wrongs, bad husbands and ungrateful children. Warning: Do not attempt to engage in conversation... they only really want one thing and that is to go home... the home that has probably been sold by the bad husband and ungrateful children. If you can not help them go home, they will turn mean. And I do not know where these little old ladies have managed to pick up this language, but most of them could make a sailor blush. Many of them have been dumped here by relatives, or at least they feel like they have been dumped by relatives, in reality they are probably very lucky to be here. They are taken to activities at least twice a day to get them out of their rooms and to clear the hallways. The traffic jams are pretty unbelievable at times.
The second group of long-term residents is really sad. These are the Bed Bounds. These are people who due to their condition can not or will not leave their room. Sometimes the aides transfer them to reclining wheelchairs for BINGO or some activities. Most of them are on another wing, but I try to visit some of them at least once a week, just to remind myself that this is a medical facility that does good work.
You may notice that I talk a lot about the female residents... that's because 75% of the residents and 95% of the staff are women. It is true that women live longer, but there are also women whose husbands visit everyday and married couples who are both residents (although not in the same room).
Then you have the Recovering Rehabs. They range in age from 40s to 90s. They can be recovering from a fall, hip or knee replacements or can be suffering from a regressive disease like diabetes or MS. They know that their time here is relatively short, like 2 to 6 months. They tend to fall into two groups inside of therapy... those who sleep through therapy and those who do not. Those who sleep in therapy tend to drift into becoming a Grousing Granny or even a Bed Bound... or they get "graduated" and get sent home. Trouble is their original problem still exists, so in some cases they find themselves back in the home and back in rehab. Outside of therapy, the RRs tend to stick to their rooms, reading and what not... except for the gang that I roll with. We rent movies from Netflix, order take-out and do all kinds of things. I was the first to ask for the internet to be connected in my room. Since then three more people have requested it.
There is another growing group (no pun intended) and that is the Overly Obese. These are people who are 400-600 pounds and were probably formerly taken care of by a family member. In some cases, the caregiver passed away or the person's medical needs became too much for a lay-person to handle. Given the obesity problem in the United States, this is probably the group that nursing homes will be targeting in the future.
This home also has a beauty shop, a TV room with a 52" plasma and a lounge with a flat screen with a built in DVD player. No Blu-Ray yet.

Things Overheard in the Hallway 1

"Norma, why are your teeth on the floor?"
I am fortunate enough to have my teeth... a couple of them are crowns and there is a partial bridge... but I paid for them all and they are all in my mouth. I am in the minority. Most teeth are kept in small plastic bowls filled with water on the table by your bed. Unless they are not on the table by the bed or in your mouth. This often leads to a search mission in the pre-dawn hours to hunt down those disappearing dentures.

To Pee or Not To Pee

Upon arriving at a nursing home, the most important thing to decide is if you are a bed-wetter. There is no shame to being a bed-wetter and whether you want the label or not, sooner or later you will wet your bed. In this home there are 3 to 4 aides for every 34 patients, so you do the math. Those poor people would be doing potty duty 24/7 if they answered every buzzer at the precise moment that everyone needed to go. Hence the need for the "Don't call them diapers" adult protection brief or even worse, the foley. Loss of bladder control is a known result of a spinal cord injury (and a known result of getting older). When I first arrived I could not get out of bed or walk on my own, so I tried to anticipate my need to urinate and gauge the aides' response times. For the most part I was able to get through my first couple of weeks with only a few accidents. Now, they have declared me independent in the bathroom (which means I can go whenever I want BY MYSELF), but they have also prescribed a "water pill", which means I do nothing but pee between 12:30 and 3pm. Sigh!
Special note: If you are a bed-wetter, an unlimited supply of "Don't Call Them Diapers" (DCTDs) are provided for a nominal fee. You will be checked and changed at least twice a night. So you will lose sleep and there may be a slight loss of dignity due to people checking your DCTD during the night. The same loss of sleep will be felt by a roommate (Me) of a DCTD wearer, due to the DCTD wearers screams and explicit language at being checked twice a night. No charges are made for the many nightgowns and sheets that need to be changed every night.